Sums it up

I saw this post on another board and wanted to share, I edited it to more relate to my feelings. It summed up so much for me.

I want to share my feelings about infertility with you, because I want you to understand my struggle. I know that understanding infertility is difficult; there are times when it seems even I don’t understand.

This struggle has provoked intense and unfamiliar feelings in me and I fear that my reactions to these feelings might be misunderstood. I hope my ability to cope and your ability to understand will improve as I share my feelings with you. I want you to understand.

You may describe me this way: obsessed, moody, depressed, envious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, bitter, and cynical. These aren't very admirable traits; no wonder your understanding of my infertility is difficult. I prefer to describe me this way: confused, rushed and impatient, afraid, isolated and alone, guilty and ashamed, angry, sad and hopeless, and unsettled.

My Infertility makes me feel confused. I feel confused as to why this is happening. I feel confused when I get diagnoses such as unexplained infertility, unexplained habitual miscarrier. All titles I do not want. Surely if I try harder, try longer, try better and smarter, I will have another baby.

My infertility makes me feel rushed and impatient. I learned of my unexplained secondary infertility only after we’d been trying to become pregnant for some time. My life-plan suddenly is behind schedule. I waited to have another baby and now I must wait again. I wait for medical appointments, wait for tests, wait for treatments, wait for other treatments, wait for my period not to come, wait for pregnancy. At best, I have only twelve opportunities each year. How old will I be when I finish having my family?

My infertility makes me feel afraid. Infertility is full of unknowns, and I’m frightened because I need some definite answers. How long will this last? What humiliation must I endure? What pain must I suffer? Why do drugs I take to help me, make me feel worse? Why can’t my body do the things that my mind wants it to do? Why do I hurt so much? I’m afraid of my feelings, afraid of my undependable body.

My infertility makes me feel isolated and alone. Reminders of babies are everywhere. I must be the only one enduring this invisible curse. Sometimes I have to stay away from others, because everything makes me hurt. No one knows how horrible my pain is. Even though I’m usually a clear thinker, I find myself being lured by superstitions and promises; I think I’m losing perspective. I feel so alone and I wonder if I’ll survive this.

My infertility makes me feel guilty and ashamed. Frequently I forget that infertility is a medical problem and should be treated as one. Infertility destroys my self esteem and I feel like a failure. Why am I being punished? What did I do to deserve this? Am I not worthy? Am I not a good enough mom? It is easy to lose self-confidence and feel ashamed.

My infertility makes me feel angry. Everything makes me angry, and I know much of my anger is misdirected. I’m angry at my body because it has betrayed me. I’m angry at my partner because we can’t seem to feel the same about infertility at the same time. I want and need an advocate to help me. My younger brother and older brother are having kids soon and I am angry at how I feel about that. I’m angry at my medical caregivers, because it seems that they control my future. They humiliate me, inflict pain on me, pry into my privacy, patronize me, and sometimes forget who I am. How can I impress on them how important parenting is to me? I’m angry at my expenses; infertility treatment is extremely expensive. Finally, I’m angry at everyone else. Everyone has opinions about my inability to become a to get/stay pregnant. Everyone has easy solutions. Everyone seems to know too little and say too much.

My Infertility makes me feel sad and hopeless. Infertility feels like I’ve lost my future, and no one knows of my sadness. I feel hopeless; infertility robs me of my energy. I’ve never cried so much or so easily. I’m sad that my infertility places my marriage under so much strain. I’m sad that my infertility requires me to be so self-centered. I’m sad that I've ignored any friendships because this struggle hurts so much and demands so much energy. I’m surrounded by babies, pregnant women, playgrounds, baby showers, birth stories, kids’ movies, birthday parties and much more. I feel so sad and hopeless.

My infertility makes me feel unsettled. My life is on hold. Two years spent doing treatments put so much on hold. The more I struggle with my infertility, the less control I have. This struggle has no timetable; the treatments have no guarantees. The only sure things are that I need to be near my partner at fertile times and near my doctor at treatment times. Should I pursue adoption? Should I take expensive drugs? Should I pursue more specialized and costly medical intervention? It feels unsettling to have no clear, easy answers or guarantees.

Occasionally I feel my panic subside. I’m learning some helpful ways to cope; I’m now convinced I’m not crazy, and I believe I’ll survive. I’m learning to listen to my body and be assertive, not aggressive, about my needs. I’m realizing that good medical care and good emotional care are not necessarily found in the same place. I’m trying to be more than an infertile person.

Status

I finally decided to write in the blog about our journey to expand our family. Times have been rough here lately as I mourn the third due date I have missed this month from my miscarriages. It has definitely taken its’ emotional toll on me lately. I can only imagine what December/January will be like with all that we went through the last two December/January’s. All this with no real news on getting any further.

I am hoping that the writing about it with help me deal with my feelings.

To start in the present, we are just waiting right now. No real action to be able to take. I decided to call and check on our status for fostering this week even though I knew there would be no update. The news is that while our home study occurred on the 6th of August, our application didn’t get sent off until the 28th of August and this was with not the 5 others we thought, it was with 10 other applications. So, from when they receive it, we can expect it to take 30 business days for review. What a long time! The Social Worker was totally not exaggerating when she said October 31st is when it should finally be final. Of course, then we start with the whole waiting for a placement. Who knew it would take so long when we started the process last year. She joked that people want a kid by Christmas, but realistically she said it will probably be into the New Year until we can really hope to get a placement. The only thing going for us that may help is that we don’t care about race. Funny that she put it into context that we would even take a white kid. Honestly I don’t really care. I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up, but I keep hoping that one Friday while she is on call she will think of us and try to get us expedited because she is on call and thinks we will be perfect. But, I know that won’t happen. This is one of the hardest parts, you can wish and want all day long, but when it really comes down to it, none of that makes a difference. I always seem to get my hopes up, then reality comes crashing down.

To meet and talk with me, you would never really know all that is going on, from the outside we seem like the perfectly happy family of three. I am happy for what I have, really happy. Doesn’t change that I am also really sad for what I don’t have, really sad for the babies that I never got to hold and nurse and take care of. I am thankful that I have a great husband that has been a rock through this journey, who has held me when I cried, who has mostly supported me when I wanted to try more, who has been there for so many procedures. I have the most awesome kid in the whole world, he is just super special. I am thankful that my marriage has survived and strengthened through our journey. I know the toll infertility can take on marriages and ours survived, with a few bumps, but came out stronger.

Look who arrived

Stanley arrived at the house yesterday for a visit until next Tuesday. So far Stanley has only gotten to hang out with C and check out his new room. Tomorrow Stanley will go to C’s school for lunch with him.

Stanley from Joe:

C wanted to know why Joe hadn't colored Stanley's face and hands. He thinks everyone should be a "color". He is always brown when he colors himself and he usually makes me red or yellow. Wonder if the yellow is for normal and maybe the red is sunburn. I thought it was cute though.

Stanley Visiting C’s new room:

Stanley got to check out C’s new room that we just got done with. C wanted a BMX theme. Who knew how hard that would be??? They really don’t have any BMX bedding currently in stores or a lot of decorations. I wanted to get him some X Games sheets from Pottery Barn Teen, but they were sold out. I lucked up and found two Pottery Barn kids duvets on eBay. They don’t match, but it was the best we could do. The best one is for the bottom bunk and is BMX theme, it is super cool. The top bunk is skater boy. C wanted a red room and we compromised a bit and painted the bottom half red and the top half a light blue. Originally we were going to do an Extreme Games border, but haven’t decided if maybe it looks good just as it is. He picked out some X Games wallies at Target and voila we have a BMX room. He is pretty happy, loves the red in his room. He has a window seat that my Mother-in-Law is going to sew a cushion for, it will either be jean material or some cool Tony Hawk Fabric I got. We still need a curtain, too, but we will get it soon. Hmm, red or light blue, I am thinking if C gets to vote, it will be red. What do you think?

Here are some pics of his new room:

BMX Bedding:

Skater Bedding:

Flat Stanley Project

An online friend of ours organized a Flat Stanley project that we are participating in. I think it will be a great learning experience for him to see where his goes. So this week we decorated a Flat Stanley and mailed him off last night. C wanted to make sure that he had stuff to eat and things to do on his trip. So our Flat Stanley has a donut (yeah, C wanted him to have a dessert on his trip), a soccer ball, a suit case, a book, and an NC State hat. C’s favorite color is red, so he colored Stanley all in red and then we added some NC State clothes and an NC State hat. C really wanted to staple the hat, but then we said well, maybe he won’t always want to wear his hat. The mini book is Magic Tree House. We love that series and C drew a Viking Ship inside the book since we just read Viking Ships at Sunrise. We got the first Tree House book for his birthday last year and have been reading them on and off ever since. It is such a great series about a brother and sister that go on adventures to rescue books. The have gone to Pompeii, Ancient China, Medieval Times, the arctic, and more.

We are getting a Flat Stanley from Joe this week and ours is off to Canada. We can’t wait to see what kind of adventures ours gets to go on. Hopefully, we will even map it out and learn about where they are from. We were already excited to see that Joe’s Flat Stanley went to Riverbanks Zoo in South Carolina and that we had been there before.

C coloring Stanley:

C Posing with NC State Stanley:

Stanley and C, note Stanley has his NC State hat on:

Stanley ready to go:

C had just got done reading to Stanley: