Payback

I have a sister that is 18 years younger and you know we are all parenting experts before we have kids. My sister had a few quirks and was always very opinionated. She loved to pick out her own clothes and wear things that were not always appropriate. Read: Size 2T shorts when she was really a size 4/5. I already had a teenage mom complex when I had her out and about with me even though she was my sister, I felt like people assumed I was an unwed teenage mother. So, we'd have disagreements over what she'd wear a lot. I also remember dragging her out of an Old Navy store kicking and screaming. She was loudly protesting, "I want blue shoes!". 

I remember telling my mom, "Why do you let her choose what she wears?" Especially when she was looking like a homeless unkempt kid. I also said, maybe you should lock her closet and not let her have access to her clothes when she was changing 5 times a day. You know, cause I was an 18 year old parenting expert, ha!

Well, now years later, I have a very opinionated 2 year old who thinks she knows what she wants to wear. Let's be honest, she knows what she wants to wear and sometimes I try to steer her in the other direction and occasionally win. Small victories.

Some of her most recent words to me:

I no wanna wear dat!

I wear polka dots!

I no wear-a dose shoes!

I no like-a dat!

Good Bye's

In my extended foster care support network three foster mom's are saying their good bye's to their foster babies this week and last and I can't imagine. I am one of the ones who hates the question from strangers, "won't you be sad to see them leave". I have no idea the depth of their sorrows, but I do know that it could have just as easily have been me.

Miss M was an adoptive placement, but I still think back over my anxiety level that first year we had her. I was so nervous and anxious and even after the adoption went through, I still was waiting for the other shoe to drop. It never did, but my anxiety was real. I remember asking the SW in September, "they can't take her back away from us right?" This was over a month after the finalization.

Charlie was not placed as an adoptive placement, so there was a real possibility that we could fall in love with her and have to say good bye. My anxiety level was not as high, though. I think part of it was that I couldn't live like that for a year again and needed to live in the moment. Part of it was we had been through a placement before and I was settled in my family thinking if she did have to leave, at least we got to meet this amazing baby and positively impact her and show her unconditional love.

I am not going to lie and say I never had my moments of panic. I am sure most foster parents have. I was getting ready for work one day and we had Toddler Radio playing on Pandora. The song "You are my Sunshine" came on. I think it was the first time that I ever really listened to the lyrics. It sounds like such a happy melody song. But, when I was thinking of Charlie and her being my sunshine and having to say good bye, I started crying. It was if it was really happening and I couldn't control it. Of course, it didn't really happen, but the feeling I had in that moment can't be matched by anything much scarier. I still almost tear up when I think of that song.

Those ladies/families that are saying good bye right now, I don't know how they really feel, not having been through it myself. I know they are feeling a huge loss. They don't say good bye because they want to, they do it because they love the kids they are fostering and they know they are doing the best possible thing for them. They are stronger than most people. I know they also get asked the question about being hard to let the kids go or get told "I don't know how you do it". But, they do. They give these kids a great foundation for their future and hand them off into the sometimes unknown and can only hope for the best, that a family has truly turned around. They grieve deeply when a child leaves their home.

You Are My Sunshine:
You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When the skies are grey
You'll never know dear
How much I love you
So please don't take
My sunshine
Away

The other night dear
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
When I awoke dear
I was mistaken
And I held
My head
And cried

You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When the skies are grey
You'll never know dear
How much I love you
Please don't take
My sunshine
Away

Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/r/ricky_nelson/you_are_my_sunshine.htm

Visits

We haven't seen Charlie's bio-mom since Christmas and have seen her dad only briefly (less than 5 minutes each time) only twice since Christmas when I dropped pictures off for him. When they signed over their rights I really thought we'd do visits at least 2-3 times a year. I was thinking Easter, Labor Day, Christmas. They wanted to see her at least 2-3 times a year. We agreed.
So two weeks before Easter I left a message on bio-grandma's phone, left a message for bio-dad. Bio-mom/grandma have not returned the call and bio-dad skirted around the topic of visitation again. This is the second time. The last time we had talked before that, I said let's schedule a visit and it ended the conversation. This time, he said he needed to get up with bio-mom, find a time, and call me back. I haven't heard from him since. I'm not sure what is going on. Is it they want to just know she is okay? Is it they are too sad to see her right now? I just don't know. I am walking that fine line between pushing too hard for a visit and feeling guilty that I am not pushing hard enough.
My plan this week is to go get some recent pictures done of Charlie and at least drop some in the mail to the address bio-mom gave me and drop some off with bio-dad. I am pretty sure he will at least agree to let me drop pictures off, he has been agreeable to that. That way they can at least have a recent picture of her.
She is such an amazing, sweet, smart little girl. I want them to see how great she is, although I am sure they know it. She is full-blown toddler now, she wasn't walking last time they saw her. She is talking so much more. Sings happy birthday to you every night at dinner.
I just want to feel okay about my role in ensuring their ongoing relationship with her. I want them to see what a special girl she is. I am sure they will come around and we will see them again, I just don't know when.