Saturday, February 28, 2009

Infertility and Feelings

I saw this post on another board and wanted to share, I edited it to more relate to my feelings. It summed up so much for me.

I want to share my feelings about infertility with you, because I want you to understand my struggle. I know that understanding infertility is difficult; there are times when it seems even I don’t understand.

This struggle has provoked intense and unfamiliar feelings in me and I fear that my reactions to these feelings might be misunderstood. I hope my ability to cope and your ability to understand will improve as I share my feelings with you. I want you to understand.
You may describe me this way: obsessed, moody, depressed, envious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, bitter, and cynical. These aren't very admirable traits; no wonder your understanding of my infertility is difficult. I prefer to describe me this way: confused, rushed and impatient, afraid, isolated and alone, guilty and ashamed, angry, sad and hopeless, and unsettled.

My Infertility makes me feel confused. I feel confused as to why this is happening. I feel confused when I get diagnoses such as unexplained infertility, unexplained habitual miscarrier. All titles I do not want. Surely if I try harder, try longer, try better and smarter, I will have another baby.

My infertility makes me feel rushed and impatient. I learned of my unexplained secondary infertility only after we’d been trying to become pregnant for some time. My life-plan suddenly is behind schedule. I waited to have another baby and now I must wait again. I wait for medical appointments, wait for tests, wait for treatments, wait for other treatments, wait for my period not to come, wait for pregnancy. At best, I have only twelve opportunities each year. How old will I be when I finish having my family?
My infertility makes me feel afraid. Infertility is full of unknowns, and I’m frightened because I need some definite answers. How long will this last? What humiliation must I endure? What pain must I suffer? Why do drugs I take to help me, make me feel worse? Why can’t my body do the things that my mind wants it to do? Why do I hurt so much? I’m afraid of my feelings, afraid of my undependable body.
My infertility makes me feel isolated and alone. Reminders of babies are everywhere. I must be the only one enduring this invisible curse. Sometimes I have to stay away from others, because everything makes me hurt. No one knows how horrible my pain is. Even though I’m usually a clear thinker, I find myself being lured by superstitions and promises; I think I’m losing perspective. I feel so alone and I wonder if I’ll survive this.

My infertility makes me feel guilty and ashamed. Frequently I forget that infertility is a medical problem and should be treated as one. Infertility destroys my self esteem and I feel like a failure. Why am I being punished? What did I do to deserve this? Am I not worthy? Am I not a good enough mom? It is easy to lose self-confidence and feel ashamed.
My infertility makes me feel angry. Everything makes me angry, and I know much of my anger is misdirected. I’m angry at my body because it has betrayed me. I’m angry at my partner because we can’t seem to feel the same about infertility at the same time. I want and need an advocate to help me. My younger brother and older brother are having kids soon and I am angry at how I feel about that. I’m angry at my medical caregivers, because it seems that they control my future. They humiliate me, inflict pain on me, pry into my privacy, patronize me, and sometimes forget who I am. How can I impress on them how important parenting is to me? I’m angry at my expenses; infertility treatment is extremely expensive. Finally, I’m angry at everyone else. Everyone has opinions about my inability to become a to get/stay pregnant. Everyone has easy solutions. Everyone seems to know too little and say too much.

My Infertility makes me feel sad and hopeless. Infertility feels like I’ve lost my future, and no one knows of my sadness. I feel hopeless; infertility robs me of my energy. I’ve never cried so much or so easily. I’m sad that my infertility places my marriage under so much strain. I’m sad that my infertility requires me to be so self-centered. I’m sad that I've ignored any friendships because this struggle hurts so much and demands so much energy. I’m surrounded by babies, pregnant women, playgrounds, baby showers, birth stories, kids’ movies, birthday parties and much more. I feel so sad and hopeless. My infertility makes me feel unsettled. My life is on hold. Two years spent doing treatments put so much on hold. The more I struggle with my infertility, the less control I have. This struggle has no timetable; the treatments have no guarantees. The only sure things are that I need to be near my partner at fertile times and near my doctor at treatment times. Should I pursue adoption? Should I take expensive drugs? Should I pursue more specialized and costly medical intervention? It feels unsettling to have no clear, easy answers or guarantees. Occasionally I feel my panic subside. I’m learning some helpful ways to cope; I’m now convinced I’m not crazy, and I believe I’ll survive. I’m learning to listen to my body and be assertive, not aggressive, about my needs. I’m realizing that good medical care and good emotional care are not necessarily found in the same place. I’m trying to be more than an infertile person.

Made up songs

C loves to make up songs and sing around the house. After we had two snow days he made up a song asbout snow snow come again another day, we loved you so. It was incredibly cute. This morning he was singing about how he always gets greens, never a red or blue or yellow (the class behavior colors). Green is a good color. So I grabbed the camera and asked him to sing it again and he couldn't remember so he made up a new song. It was cute. He asked me to keep it forever.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Sneak Peek

Here is a link to C's most recent pics. I have to say it was probably about 38 degrees outside, but felt sooooo much colder. He was a trooper. He was smiling so big and then we tried to make him not smile, then tried for a natural smile. Took some time, but he did it. There is one that he is hiding his smile.

And of course the last shot of the day where he kissed me forever. The photographer Kate and I were both laughing so hard at this, I think he kissed my cheek for 2 minutes. I love that he loves his mama so much!

Sunday, February 22, 2009


Here are two cute and recent pictures of Calvin.
He loves driving in the car:
Chilling in the yard:

Saturday, February 21, 2009

What I Need

Here’s how it works: Google “[your first name] needs” and share the first 10 results. That's it: it is that simple. But be honest!
(*NOTE: Be careful not to pull from other people's lists that pop up, but from actual links.)

1. Jack and I need to get back together. (never dated a Jack)

2. I need way more respect than I am getting from everyone. (Amen to that!)

3. I need to shut my face. (Hmm, very contrary to number 2, I think I will agree with number two and ignore number 3. Haha)

4. I need to embrace my beauty, femininity and vulnerability. (okay, I guess)

5. I need someone to sublease my apartment for the spring semester. (No apartment, but sure maybe I can make some side money off someone else's lease).

6. My cell phone died and now needs everyone's number. (Thank goodness this didn't happen, that would be a catastrophe).

7. I need Sam. (No Sam in my life, hmm, my google name is quite popular with the fellas).

8. I need a place to recover -- so that I can have a better quality of life than being kenneled. (Oh my, my google self needs a lot, poor google self).

9. I need to take up knitting. (Now this is actually a good idea. Of course hubby would say one more thing for me to buy with intentions of doing and then not actually do).

10. I need more time. (Don't we all).

Friday, February 20, 2009

Kitchen Helper

C wanted to help make dinner and we decided lasagna would be a fun way for him to help. I wanted him to be really involved, so I made a few modifications.

Here is the recipe I used:
Bag of Frozen Meatballs, thawed and soaked overnight in sauce
Tub of Ricotta
2 eggs
~2 TBS Italian Seasoning
2 cups shredded mozzarella
½ cup parmesan cheese
Lasagna Noodles

I had him cut the meatball bag, pour the meatballs into a bowl and then pour the jar of sauce over them.
The next day we had to get our hands dirty and dig into the sauce and break apart the meatballs. He loved this part, getting his hands all dirty and breaking them up with his hands.
He got to dump the ricotta in, measure a cup of mozzarella, and a ½ cup of parmesan cheeses and mix all together after I put the two eggs in.
I boiled, drained and rinsed the noodles so he would be able to place them in the pan.
I had him do the layers, he really enjoyed making dinner. We ended up doing a ¼ of the lasagna with no cheese at all. We called that part the cheeseless lasagna since C will not eat cheese at all. The meal turned out yummy and we all enjoyed the lasagna made by C.
My Serious Cooker
My Happy Cooker

Friday, February 13, 2009

100th Day

This week was the 100th day of school. I decided I would volunteer in the classroom for the 100th day. I also got to have lunch with him. It is a pretty exciting day for the Kindergartners especially and the teachers try to make it really cool.
They had a take home assignment to do a 100 Day Project. C painted a plaque red and then I put an outline of 100 and he glued 100 beads to the outline of the 100 and then put some cool wooden figures around it, a boy, bus, school house, and pencil. It turned out really nice. I got to see some of the other projects and they were cool. Some included a poster board with race track and 100 race car stickers, a poster board and a picture of a Pokemon ball with 100 Pokemon stickers, a Lego board with 100 Legos spelling out 100, 100 M&M's on a paper. They were also encouraged to dress for the 100 day. I think around 6 of the kids did, one girl had 100 beads bedazzled on her shirt, a girl had ten hearts each with ten dots in them, a little boy had 100 stars stamped on his shirt (really liked this one), and C had 100 ironed on to his shirt. It turned out cool.
The day in the classroom was a lot of fun. The kids made 100 day glasses, 100 day trail mix, wrote numbers up to 100 on a piece of paper, and decorated a 100 day Mascot, Spot with 100 spots. His teacher is really good and always does some really cool stuff with the kids. All of the kids enjoyed their special day.
Here he is making his 100 day glasses:
Here is the class (me included in picture):
Here is C and the 100 day Mascot Spot:
Here is C and his wonderful teacher:

Monday, February 9, 2009


We all went to the circus on Sunday. It was such a good show. We went for the hour long pre-show where we got to see Magic acts, jugglers, the guy on stilts and the elephant paint a piece of art. The show was one of the best I have seen. My favorite parts were the elephants, the clowns riding around, and the dogs. I liked the lions, but one of them seemed to be mad. I would never get in a cage with an angry lion, but the guy handled it. It seemed the lion kept trying to get snarky with him and would growl. I thought trouble. But it was alright. Some gymnasts were there and so unnatural that they can put their legs up around their face. One act was this acrobat that was supposed to be the best but the clowns kept messing her up. She ended up in only her undergarments. C thought this was hilarious. Chris enjoyed the motorcycles in the cage the most. It was pretty spectacular.
During the elephant painting I had to give C the camera because I couldn't quite get close enough and he was in the front row:
Here is a clown and C during the pre-show:
Here is the three of us: